If you are going to successfully disconnect from your ex and your old life, and connect yourself to a happy, radiant new future, you need to establish―and stick to―some ground rules that will keep you from complicating the disconnection process and the practical aspects of your separation.
 

Ground Rule #1: No Sex with Your Ex! 

Sex is not some kind of glue for a broken relationship, and it does not help dissolve bottlenecks in your separation. By going to bed with your ex-partner―or even just kissing and snuggling on the couch together―after the decision to separate has been made, you will not gain any extra influence over his or her actions and choices. Instead, you will introduce confusion and blocks into both of your emotional sub-processes and complicate or delay the entire separation process.

When a new partner―whether yours or your ex’s―enters the picture during the separation process, it can create a lot of strong emotion and drama. It’s best to be prepared for this and approach the process of integrating new partners in a proactive and positive manner.

This may be easier said than done, however. If your ex finds a new partner, you may feel a strong and even irrational surge of jealousy, anger, fear, or judgment. If the new partner was present for your breakup, you may point to them as the only visible reason why your relationship didn’t work, and send arrows of grief, sadness, anger, and even hatred toward them.  

If you find a new partner during your separation (or even after it’s over), the same may happen for your ex.

Also, when a new partner enters the picture, lines of responsibility and involvement tend to get blurred. Your new partner, desiring to support you, may want to become involved in your separation, even to the point of coming with you to mediation sessions or court hearings. Your ex’s new partner, desiring the same thing, may do likewise.

The Most Important Rule for New Partners In a Separation

The #1 rule around new partners in a separation is: your separation is between you and your ex-partner, no one else! Your separation is part of your past (even if it is taking up time and energy in your present), and your new partner is part of your future. Your new partner wasn’t part of your past relationship, and s/he does not need to become part of it now.

You love your friend, but she’s going through a rough breakup. You want to help her, but she’s overwhelmed by her emotions.

Here are 10 tips to share with your friend to help her find a positive path through her breakup and get back to being her gorgeous, fun-loving self again!

Tell your friend to .... 

1. Set doubt aside

You will be happy again. Never doubt it. Millions of people separated before you and have also succeeded. Positivity and power are your words!

My parents were divorced in the 1970s. They succeeded in creating a truly positive separation, and their divorce set the example for my own separation over ten years ago.

At the time of my divorce, I had three young children. When things got rough, I kept reminding myself to apply the “oxygen mask” principle: take care of yourself first, so you can take care of others. If I wanted to be a great mother, I had to do whatever it took to make myself feel balanced and happy, and make my positive future my highest priority. Then, I could share my happiness with them, because I’d be operating from a more positive baseline.

Children can―and should―love both of their parents, regardless of whether those parents love each other. So you have to open your heart and allow that, no matter what you think of your ex. This gets much easier when you follow these simple tips.

When you’re in the middle of a breakup, it can be hard to separate your new life from the old one―but doing so is vital if you want to create a happy future.

Disconnecting from your old partner, and your old life, doesn’t have to mean walking away and never engaging with them again. Instead, “disconnecting” means unplugging yourself from any and all thoughts, emotions, activities, people, possessions, and other entanglements from your old life that no longer serve you, and creating new ones that bolster your vision for a better future. 

The best way to do this is simply to take a deep breath, steel yourself, and pull the plug―in your head, and in your heart. You have to choose, finally and irreversibly, to step into an unknown future and give yourself a chance to grow, thrive, and be happy again.

Your new future starts today. Are you ready to meet it?

Your Positive Inner Drivers (or Positive IDs, for short) are the strengths, qualities, talents, and core values that form your essence as a person. They represent your inner potential, and can be extremely useful in turbulent times because they are a lifeline to the core of who you are and how you want to live your life.

Working with Positive IDs is one of my favorite parts of the Positive Separation Method―not only because it’s fun to discover more about who we are and what we value, but because it reveals the beauty of who we are in a new way, and how we can make use of our personal greatness in a concrete and results-producing way.

If you’re in the middle of a divorce or breakup, this might sound familiar to you. Are you often tired? Are you continuously angry, anxious, depressed, or extremely emotional? Do you lose stuff, or struggle to remember even simple things? Do you often take pills to make you feel better or help you sleep? Do you spend hours on the couch watching television to “numb out,” or wander around your house like a zombie for hours? If so, your body is probably sending you messages asking for more loving care. If you are in physical pain, it’s literally screaming for attention.

One of the most important tools for creating a positive separation is one that’s totally under-utilized. It’s caring for your body! Your body is your best friend right now. It gives you power, energy, and structure so your mind can focus on daily tasks and your goals for a new, happy future.

Disconnecting from your old partner, and your old life, doesn’t mean throwing away all of the good things you felt during those years. Your treasured memories―like good times with your children, great vacations, loving moments, and family traditions―can certainly accompany you into your new life. Instead, disconnecting means unplugging yourself from any and all negative thoughts, emotions, activities, people, possessions, and other entanglements from your old life that no longer serve you, and creating new ones that serve your vision for a better future and a happy new life. When you do this, you will engage with your ex-partner in a different way―a way that is healthier for both of you.

We all have stuff. Sometimes, this stuff is helpful―but sometimes it weighs us down. Sometimes, we even wonder who we are without it.

Stuff really comes to the forefront of our lives in a separation. Who does our stuff actually belong to? How do we divide mutually-owned possessions? And what do we keep from our old life when we are striking out to build a new one?

A separation is a good time for separating yourself from excess baggage. You have drawn a line in the sand and disconnected from your old life; now, you get to decide what is coming with you on your new journey. This is an appropriate time to let go of objects that no longer “fit” you, and lighten your load both physically and emotionally.

By tidying up and cleaning out your surroundings, you will create new space in your head, in your heart, and in the radiant future you’re inviting. More, it will create a connection between your busy mind and your true feelings.  

Sometimes, in order to get back on your feet after a breakup or divorce, you need to give yourself fun, accessible “baby steps” to get out of the dark place you’re in, and find your way back to yourself. 

That’s why I created my Star Actions. They’re a perfect little lift for you when you’re having a bad day.

I developed my Star Actions system for a dear friend who was in a separation crisis more than fifteen years ago. I advised her to pick three shining stars from the heavens every day when she had done three things she knew she needed to do, but feared or didn’t feel like doing. (For example, going to the neighborhood supermarket, where she might run into her ex, was a huge fear for her.) From that day on, she updated me regularly to share her little “stars” achievements. Soon, she had walked over her own fears and done things she had never thought of or wanted to do before, and was feeling much more empowered.

If you’re in the middle of a divorce or breakup, this might sound familiar to you. Are you often tired? Are you continuously angry, anxious, depressed, or extremely emotional? Do you lose stuff, or struggle to remember even simple things? Do you often take pills to make you feel better or help you sleep? Do you spend hours on the couch watching television to “numb out,” or wander around your house like a zombie for hours? If so, your body is probably sending you messages asking for more loving care. If you are in physical pain, it’s literally screaming for attention.

One of the most important tools for creating a positive separation is one that’s totally under-utilized. It’s caring for your body! Your body is your best friend right now. It gives you power, energy, and structure so your mind can focus on daily tasks and your goals for a new, happy future.

You don’t have to face separation alone. You can, and should, seek help, knowledge, and love from others. Your friends, family, and professional support can become indispensable resources for you during this time. To make sure you’re getting the support you need from the people who are able to give it, you should take stock of your relationships, and create a plan for who to call in moments of stress and crisis.

Your solution to navigating moments of chaos and stress, and your secret weapon for creating a happy and fulfilled future? Your Winning Team.